This is just too hard

I can't believe how hard I've been crying for the last hour. I wish Jan was here. She's working and I think Snowy's mad at me.

Around 6 pm I decided I should try to make her eat some more of the high calorie paste that the vet gave me today. I put it in a turkey injector syringe thing to make it easier for me to handle with one hand.

I sat on the kitchen floor with Snowy thinking it would be the best place in case I made a mess. The next 5 minutes didn't go as I planned. She didn't want it and I kept begging with her to let me feed it to her and then to God to let her decide to eat it. I'm so afraid that this may be her last night here and I don't want it to be with her and I scuffling over food that she should be eating. It didn't end well - with this paste all over me and her and her pissed off at me. I've been crying ever since in completely uncontrollable sobs and begging her to forgive me. I don't know what to do.

I had earlier let her go under the bed - which, since she's been sick - is where she would stay all the time if we'd let her. When I went in after a few hours, she was sleeping hard. I could see her side moving up and down, so I knew she was still with me. Snowy has always woken up fairly easily and predictably when we call her name. I called her and she didn't respond. Then I reached under the bed and rubbed her and she still didn't respond - which is not fathamable. It wasn't until I was sliding her out from under the bed that she woke up and then it took her quite a while to get her bearings.

After her getting mad at me for making her eat the paste, she went into my office and layed under the desk. Jan says she feels safe in there because she sees me as her protector. I'm having real problems with this right now because I can't do anyting to make it better. How can I be her protector when not only is she feeling bad, but I'm trying to force food that she doesn't want into her mouth. I don't know if I can do this again. without Jan here. I don't want her associating me with forced anything. I already always felt bad when taking her to the vet because of how much she doesn't like it.

This cat has given her all to us for nearly 15 years. I want to do what's right for her and I don't want to be selfish at all. I owe it to her to do the right thing. I'm just having such a hard time deciding what that is. I think possibly I've already made a big mistake. We'd together resigned ourselves last night that today was probably the day. This morning I kept looking for any sign that things were better - to the point where I was probably seeing things that weren't there. Now, after waiting on Snowy hand and foot all day (both of us), I'm back at the same point I was last night, but it's even worse tonight. I so worried that she's mad now.

I've just gone into my office and brought her into the living room with me. She's laying on the couch beside me with short shallow breaths making her side go up and down. She's heard me crying out loud and turned her head toward me and said a few things that I'm taking to mean it's okay.

I've not told many people about this, but during the summer of 2005, soon after we moved to Florida, I went into a depression of sorts. It came on slowly, but by late summer, I was hardly leaving the house daily. I've found out something about myself since that time - I'm a project person - I always have to have something on my plate - something to turn my daily attention to. After moving to Florida, I had no project and I didn't know anyone here to help spur my brain into thinking of a project. Slowly, I started to just do nothing. Snowy was my best friend during that time. Often, when I needed it most, she would jump into my lap and require my attention. Making her purr was a project that she'd give me a few times a day. The opportunity to go to California and build houses was presented to me toward the end of the summer and my depression is the main reason I went. Jan and I decided that I needed a project.

Snowy was there when I needed her then and I'll be here for her now in any way that's right.

I just read on the internet about euthanasia with cats. It says that they have no concept of death and that it's painless except for the needle in their leg. It seems like she knows she's either very sick or dying now.

I just got her some more asparagus juice (which she has always loved) and she drank a little and then layed back down beside me. I hope she'll go to sleep. I gave her some 'underneck kisses'. That's my thing with her. It has always annoyed her when I would force them on her, but she seems content to get them now. I got that from my mom and I passed it on. Mom used to make me squirm with underneck 'sugar' when I was little and I have done that with snowy. I guess now I'm doing it more gently and she seems to like it. She knows it 'our thing'.

I think she's not mad at me anymore.