My Biggest Fear

I don't fear many things in life.  It's certainly not because I think I'm tough or anything, but I just don't have a fear of many things.   I think I have a healthy respect for things that can hurt me or kill me, but I'm not afraid to do the things I want to do.

However, the biggest fear I have in life is a BIG fear.  I worry often if I'm living my life the way I should.   About 10 years ago, I gave my mom a framed set of 2 photos of me doing some things that made me happy along with a copy of a poem by Don Blanding called The Double Life.  The poem deals with the 2 sides of the author.  A 'restless me' to drift and roam and the 'quiet me' to stay at home.  The poem outlines the eternal struggle between the two.  

There's only one constant in my life that I have complete certainty of - and that's Jan.  I'll be with that chick as long as she'll put up with me.  That's the 'quiet me' part of the poem.  In a perfect life, she'd be free to travel with me everywhere I go and she'd not have to miss out on some of the cool stuff I get to do and the cool people I get to meet.  I would also enjoy these things more if she were with me.  Still the other side of me warns me that I can't wait for the perfect life situation to occur.  I have to 'seize the carp' when the opportunities seem to be right.

The other sides of these coins is the money situation.  I think most people are doing it all wrong - but that's because the 'normal' way of doing it now is 'wrong' in my mind.  People have too many kids, feel like they have to supply those kids with everything (because that's now normal) and get in a rut of 'existence' that they're not happy with - all with the goal of doing the things they want - sometime in the future.  They set themselves up to HAVE to make an amount of money that does not allow for flexibility in life.    The hard part comes in when trying to figure out how much money is 'enough'.  

 That's where I am now.   I'm in the middle of a big financial hit due to the before-mentioned lawsuit that I'm dealing with, but that'll all work out.   The big  questions include things like:  do I need a friggin $400,000 house with all the taxes and upkeep that comes with it?  Do I need to work really hard for retirement? What if retirement doesn't come?  What if it DOES come? What if I have a stroke before retiring?    What if I DON'T?

My dad worked for a company for 33 years and it just 'closed down' one day.  Another friend worked somewhere almost 2 decades and recently got 'downsized'.    I just can't see giving up so many things in life- just for the possibility of an easier time when I'm older.   I could be completely wrong here.

Still, what's all the incredible experiences I've had because of my 'view' worth?  I've seen the northern lights.  I've seen the Southern Cross.  I flew a sitting Governor off of a 10,000 foot mountain in a flexible fabric wing.  I wondered what it would be like to make a film, so I spent $18,000 making one in Costa Rica.  I rebuilt a 30 year old sailboat by myself and sailed it 1000 miles almost completely by myself - after never going more than 20 miles in a sailboat.  I have a GOLD medal in hang gliding from a competition where I flew off of Mt. Olympus in Greece.  I spent 3 days trapped on a beach on the Napali Coast before being "rescued" after landing a hang glider there while making a film.   For 3 summers, I owned and flew the coolest aircraft ever made - the flying boat - as a business on the Outer Banks.  The list goes on and on.  What is all that worth?  I think it's worth more than any amount of money I'd made tending to a career instead.  But again - that's just my view and it could be completely wrong.

Along the way, I've made some of the best friends a guy could ever have.  Through hang gliding, sailing and surfing, I can honestly say that I've created tons of terrific friends - unfortunately - they don't live near me.  I have to travel to visit them.  That's more my fault than anything else, but it's still the way it is.

Still, back to my biggest fear.  Living life right.  It's completely possible that one day I will wake up and decide that I wasted my life and should have stayed at AT&T and been happy with 4-6 weeks of vacation a year.   I'd be very surprised if that would happen.  My fear has more to do with what to do now.  Should I put more effort into making money, or continue the fine line of making enough while still having the flexibility to do all the fun stuff that I'm fortunate to have made the decisions in life to get to do?   Who knows.   Until I decide, I'll be as responsible as I feel I have to be and try to keep my perfect wife happy.  Maybe the biggest question:  "is it wrong for someone who has so much as me - to even wonder these things?"  

What got me thinking about this just now was hearing my favorite John Mayer song.   Why Georgia Why.   The lyrics are printed below.  If you don't have this song, I recommend spending the .99 cents for it on iTunes.   It's a great one!!  You can watch a video of him singing it  here.

Why Georgia

I am driving up 85 in the
kind of morning that lasts all afternoon
just stuck inside the gloom

Four more exits to my apartment but
I am tempted to keep the car in drive
and leave this shit behind

Cause I wonder sometimes
about the outcome
of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why, why Georgia, why?

I rent a room and I fill the spaces with
wood in places to make it feel like home
but all I feel's alone
It might be a quarter life crisis
or just the stirring in my soul

Either way, I wonder sometimes
about the outcome
of a still verdictless life

Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Am I living it right?
Why, why Georgia, why?

So what, so I've got a smile on me
but it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head
Don't believe me
Don't you dare believe me
When I say I've got it down

Everybody is just a stranger but
that's the danger in going my own way
I guess it's the price I have to pay
still "Everything happens for a reason"
is no reason not to ask yourself

If you are living it right
Are you living it right?
Are you living it right?
Why, tell me why
Why, why Georgia why?